Beginnings and Ends
by Geogirl
Summary: My AU version of the end of the final episode J/C . Please R&R I'm quite proud of this, tell me what you think. Just a repost reflecting a few minor corrections.
1. Home and Family

Beginnings and Ends

by GeoGirl

Rated PG (just to be on the safe side)

Paramount owns them all.  I just wanted a more satisfying ending.

Notes:  This is AU and are my thoughts on how Endgame could have ended.  For scene in the hallway between the Admiral and the Captain, I have quoted the dialog from the actual episode.  No infringement is intended.  I just couldn't have written it better.  

The Captain is staring at the viewscreen, watching the showdown between herself and her nemesis. And I, as always, am watching her. Waiting to see if this might be her breaking point. Seeing her older self being assimilated, dying, ending. But she won't let herself fully comprehend the vision just now; there is too much to do before she will deal with the reality of it all. 

We see the Queen lying on the floor of the Borg ship, writhing and shouting threats. Cursing the Admiral, the Captain and even the Universe. Admiral Janeway's eyes flit between the vision of the Queen, weak and helpless, and the vision of Voyager, on the Borg viewscreen, hitching a ride through the transwarp conduits compliments of the Borg. 

We lose the link to her; but the Admiral is smiling. I can feel it.

Just as I feel the Captain looking out to our future, it's beginning, and looking back to the past, it's end. And all the while hoping the sacrifice of her future self is worthwhile. 

"It's what she wanted and she felt that the price was hers to pay," I state softly. The Captain shoots a glance my way, her eyes a whirlwind of emotions.

"Steady as she goes, Mr. Paris." She checks in with Tom, knowing confidently he is doing his job. This small thing helps refocus her thoughts on the present tasks. It's one of her little tricks that I've come to appreciate all these years. How she has the ability to step out of an emotional situation that she'd rather avoid and return to saving us all.

"Vorik, how are things holding up in engineering?"  She asks through the com system.  Knowing that things are hectic down there, but if there were problems, she would have heard about them by now. 

As the conduit collapses behind us and the Borg sphere closes on to Voyager, I see the gears working in her head. No doubt coming up with some brilliant plan to save us.  She always can surprise me with the most innovative, harebrained, risky and unique ways to save us. Over and over again.

Then, she barks out, "Course correction, Mr. Paris" and sends him the coordinates. He looks back with a quick glance, just to verify the order. Janeway gives him a slight nod, a small smile and he believes her.

****

The tinkling of a knife hitting a champagne glass got the attention of all of the crew assembled in the Mess Hall.

"Well, everyone, I would like you all to meet the newest member of the Voyager family, Miral Kathryn Paris." Tom proudly lifted up his daughter so that all could see. He was positively beaming, as was B'Elanna.   The Doctor was hovering around his two patients, tricorder permanently in his hand.   As Tom turned Miral around to the deafening applause, she let out a wail that would have made any Klingon warrior proud. Miral was drowning out the applause and causing the first set of worry lines on her mother's face. B'Elanna roughly grabbed at Tom's arm until he safely planted the baby back into her protective embrace. The crowd moved forward with good wishes and congratulations as Tom was swept away to the side by Kathryn.  I am proudly cooing over the baby and B'Elanna, but always with one eye on Kathryn, looking out for her.  However, this time, Seven is by my side and watching me watch the Captain. 

"I hope that you approve of her name, Captain. B'Elanna and I felt that it would only be fitting that our daughter be named after the head of our family here on Voyager. After all, we wouldn't have even know each other if it wasn't for you and Starfleet. We just couldn't see naming her Miral Starfleet Paris, could you?" He chuckled with a twinkle in his eye.

"I am more than honored Tom. I really don't know what to say. Have you introduced your father to his granddaughter yet?"

Tom looked at her sheepishly. "No, I wanted to introduce her to my other family first. I have only recently introduced Father to his daughter-in-law, let alone his granddaughter. You know him better than I, Captain. How do you think he'll react?" 

"Give him a chance Tom. It's not everyday he gets a son back, but also gets a daughter-in-law and granddaughter. Both of whom could probably out-stubborn him in a nanosecond. They'll have him twisted around their little fingers in no time. Just you wait and see."

"I hope your right, Captain. But if I must say so, if it doesn't happen, I will not let him affect my life negatively again. It will be his loss. I have more family here on Voyager than I had ever hoped."  Janeway put a hand on his arm and gave it a gentle squeeze. 

Tom eventually came back to B'Elanna and Miral putting his arms around both of them. Yes, he would be fine. He and B'Elanna were so good for each other that if Admiral Paris did not realize what he might be missing, they would be ok. 

Seven and I made our excuses and discreetly left the party together.

****

"Janeway to Chakotay."

"Yes, Captain"

"Could you join me in my Ready Room."

"Certainly," I replied. "Tuvok, you have the Bridge." I turned and made my way to the Captain's Ready Room. I had an idea on what we were going to discuss. Our return to Starfleet and the possible ramifications for all of us. Now that we're back in the Alpha Quadrant, we have no choice but to discuss this. Starfleet will have us in its grasp in a few short days. Knowing Kathryn as I do, she has already developed a plan to every possible scenario.

As I entered her room, she is not sitting at her desk as I had imagined, but standing and staring out her viewport. This pose indicated that she had been deep in thought and had been this way for a while. She straightened slightly as I walked in and turned to face me.

"Can I get you something to drink? Now that we're back in the Alpha Quadrant, I suppose we don't have to be so worried about rations."  She gave a small chuckle, very unconvincingly.  She crossed over and ordered herself a coffee, hot and black.

"Tea, thank you" I replied.  Soon a cup of hot tea was placed in my hands as we both settled on her couch, the stars streaming behind us.

"So, Chakotay, what is the mood of the crew?" 

"Jubilation, apprehension, relief, fear. All of the above and more. The former Maquis and the Equinox crew are wondering what's to become of them? How is Starfleet going to deal with them? Will they be able to see their families? What else do you expect them to be feeling?"  I gave a small shrug of the shoulders, as if for emphasis.

"I guessed as much."  She sets her cup down and leans back as if trying to get comfortable for the long explanation. "We haven't given a response to Starfleet concerning their inquiry on the 'Maquis situation' as we were requested. From what little information I've received thus far from the Admiral concerning the 'Maquis situation', there really isn't one any more.  The war with the Dominion almost eradicated the Maquis, as you already know.  Sympathies for and against the former Maquis run about equal in the information that I've read.  As for the former Equinox crew, I haven't received many favorable responses to the discrete inquiries I've made.  But I've said this before and I will state it again, I will not allow any of my crew to be persecuted in any way, now that we've returned.  As you told me a long time ago, you are not alone.  And I'm making that same promise to the entire crew. I will not let any member of my crew down." 

"Captain." I said incredulously. Was I becoming the voice of logic here? "Those that still feel the remaining members of the Maquis need to be punished or made an example of may not be so easily influenced. They may also be in the higher echelons of the Federation or Starfleet. You will undoubtedly have some kind of pull at first, being the returning hero.  That kind of influence will only go so far and so high. Being married to Admiral Paris' son may help B'Elanna, but the others aren't so well protected, no matter what you say. And the Equinox crew is ready to face charges; they've known that some kind of disciplinary action will be taken against them, including prison time. They are realistic about their situation. I hope that your crusade to save any of us won't harm you or your career in the long run."

"Chakotay, let me be rightly understood, I will not and I repeat will not let any one of my crew be persecuted in any way. That means Maquis, those from the Equinox, the Doctor and Seven. I will be recommending that diplomatic relations be set up with the Talaxian colony, with Neelix as the Ambassador.  And I intend to notify the Klingon Council of the colony of Klingons we left behind and offer to assist them in initiating communications with them." She rose quickly and began to pace about the Ready Room. 

"Well, you sound like your going to be quite busy when we get back, Kathryn. What about you? Do you think that Starfleet won't be going through the logs and records with a fine-toothed comb to seen what kind of Captain you've been? There are a few times that they could interpret as questionable interpretation on Starfleet protocols and even the Prime Directive. Do you think that you will be above reproach in all of our seven years?"

"Oh, Chakotay, don't you think that I haven't thought of that? I think about that quite a bit, in fact. I wonder how others will interpret my actions.  But I can't really focus on myself now, there's still too much to do and still too many to protect. I believe it was the Doctor who once called me a mother bear defending her cubs. I guess we'll see how true that analogy really is."

With a wave of her hand, the topic is closed for now.

"Enough of work. Will you join me for dinner tonight, or do you have plans?"  I hesitated a fraction too long and her eyebrow raised. 

"Dinner would be lovely, as long as you're buying. We can go over recommendations for the crew files while we at it. We have at least one unfinished evaluation to complete."  The corners of my mouth were beginning to turn up. Harry's promotion was at the top of the pile when we last looked at the evaluations.

"Ah yes, Mr. Kim. Lucky for him I feel that I will be in a good mood." She smiled that half smile of hers that I love. "You bring the wine and I'll replicate something tasty."

Knowing Kathryn's luck with the replicators, I gave a small chuckle as I backed out of the room quickly. I must remember to let Seven know that I must cancel our dinner plans.  Ships business, of course.


	2. A Letter

One clear San Francisco morning, a month or so after the debriefings and hearings were complete, I am sitting on the patio of my townhouse attempting to meditate. In the far distance I hear bells. Bells? I finally realize that it is my doorbell. Someone is at my door.

"Mr. Chakotay?" asks a young Starfleet ensign. I can tell that he is nervous because he recognizes me. He is holding out an envelope, waiting to be released from his task. I look at the writing on the front and cannot place the handwriting. Hardly anyone hand writes letters anymore. 

"Sir" the Ensign chirps, eager to get away and back to whatever this interrupted. I catch him after he's halfway down the sidewalk. "Where did this come from?"

"It was found in one of the guest quarters aboard Voyager. A repair team found it." With that he was off, down the block. Curious.

I turn back into my house and grab a glass of water before returning to the patio. The envelope feels heavier as I carry it, as though the weight of its words has a mass in of itself. 

As I open the envelope, a faint scent escapes. Kathryn. I'd recognize her perfume anywhere.

_            Dearest Chakotay,_

_            I am writing this before I go to my fate and face the Queen for one last battle and before you speed on your way back to the Alpha Quadrant. As well as I know my own heart, I know that you, all of you, will be seeing Earth soon. I hope this letter finds you before its too late. For everyone._

Ahh, it's from the Admiral. I miss her. I miss them both. I have yet to see Kathryn. After the hearings, she retreated to Indiana for a well-deserved visit with her family and I settled here, temporarily. And as of yesterday, I settled things with Seven. We mutually realized that things weren't going forward and that we were trying to hard to make a square peg fit in a round hole, so to speak. That is something I do not wish to think of at this time.

_            Because your Kathryn would not, will not, tell you the following, I feel that I must. I only wish that revealing this information will not hurt anyone, but help heal. Only you, though, can decide what to do with this information._

_            When I was a little girl.. Stop smiling Chakotay. Yes I had pigtails and skinned knees. _

She knows me so well.

_            When I was a girl, there were two things that I knew about my life with absolute certainty. Yes, only two things, Chakotay._

I smiled, knowing full well that she always appeared to know things with absolute certainty. Even as a child I suspect.

_            One was that I would be in Starfleet and explore the stars. This we both know I accomplished. Did I ever explore the stars, even ones that I never envisioned._

_            The other was that I would someday be a mother. That someday, some small child would call me "Momma". I know that the crew is my family, my children, but there is a difference. But, then Chakotay, I was someone's mother, if only for a few months._

What! I tried to think, who, when? A small wave of sadness passes over me, for her loss and for me because I wasn't the one to fulfill that wish.

_            At the time, I didn't know that I was pregnant. When Daddy and Justin were killed, I was three months pregnant. I lost the baby and never realized it. I was sedated almost all the time, so my mother decided that I shouldn't be told. She thought it was for the best. She had enough connections in Starfleet to get the medical evidence suppressed. It wasn't till several years later that I found out during a routine physical, of all things. The doctor apparently didn't see the notation in my medical records to not discuss this with me. _

_            Needless to say I was devastated and angry with my mother for keeping this from me. I became very depressed and eventually, through much encouraging by my friends and family, I received counseling. It helped, but I always wish that I still had my child with me. _

I wipe the tears from my eyes, trying to fathom what she had gone through, losing so much. Kathryn has lost so much in her life. When will she get a happy ending for herself?

_            Mark and I never discussed having children, we never seemed to get around to it. It took so many years for him to ask me to marry him, that children just never became the next topic of discussion._

_            Looking back, I am relieved that Mark and I never made the mistake of getting married and having children together. We did love each other, truly. But was more like a permanent long distance romance. He did his thing; I was always off on another mission. When we were together, we were on our best behavior. Not to say we didn't disagree, but that our arguments were never passionate. Not like ours, Chakotay._

A small snicker escapes. Oh yes, if anything we do have passionate disagreements.

_            Back to my point, Chakotay. If I were honest, knowing everything I know now in my advanced age, the only person I could ever envision having children with is you. They would have been beautiful._

The letter falls from my hand, the weight of the words is too heavy. "Oh, Kathryn". Several minutes pass before I can resume reading_._

_            When we were on New Earth, I knew, had we stayed, it would have happened. I dreamt of it many times. More so after we were rescued, even today. _

_                        Now you know. She should have been the one to tell you, not me. Not in this "deathbed confessional."  Now you must decide. Please understand that if you and Seven are together and happy, please ignore this as the rantings of an old fool. No matter what, I just want your happiness, Chakotay. That is all I ever wanted._

It was signed "Kathryn, an old fool." 

I felt the immediate need to visit my animal guide. I had many things to discuss with her.

****


	3. Dinner

Kathryn and I are having dinner tonight.  We are celebrating.  She's returned from her two-month vacation in Indiana, and I have finally put my relationship with Seven in the past. Kathryn starts her new lecture series tomorrow at the Academy on the Delta Quadrant and tThe Doctor is one of her guest speakers. This is a yearlong assignment, after that she will be itching to get back to space. I haven't decided to discuss the Admiral's letter with her. I wanted, though, to discuss my relationship with Seven with her. Let her know why and how it happened. And to tell her that it was over and that it had been over for two months now.

When I walk into the restaurant, I can already feel that she is there. Not only because of the quiet buzz of the other patrons, discussing the presence of such a celebrity in their midst. I always know when she's in the same room. I think she can feel my presence too. She is seated in a shadow filled corner, better for the private discussion I plan on having. I must remember to tip the maitre' de well for the privacy.

She extends a hand when I approach the table and feeling gallant, I bend over and kiss it. A quiet gasp escapes from her mouth and her eyebrows have almost reached her hairline. Her expression is a treasure.

"Kathryn, you look lovely."

"Thank you Chakotay. You look well, yourself." She lit up her brightest smile for me. I swear that smile could outshine a supernova.

"How have you been" we both started at the same time. Realizing this, we explode into laughter. The waiter interrupts the scene and I manage to order a bottle of wine. Kathryn just placed her hand on mine and I boldly take the opportunity to hold onto it.

We chat and catch up with each other and pass on news of the rest of the crew as the food arrives. Dinner was lovely and I relish in the time spent with her.

"Tell me Kathryn, I've always been curious about what the Admiral told you to convince you to go back to the nebula and take on the Borg, again." 

Kathryn grew very silent for a moment and again took my hand. "Chakotay, that story should be told over another bottle of wine, in someplace more private. It is a sad, bittersweet story, and I'm hesitant to tell you, to be honest." She stared into the bottom of her glass, remembering. I see a myriad of feelings cross her face in those few moments.

"I believe that I should hear the entire story, however sad it is.  For I suspect that I play a role in it. There is also a small story of my own that I need to tell you. My apartment is within walking distance. Why don't we take a bottle of wine with us?" She nods approval and I call over our waiter to settle the account.

The short walk to my apartment is a quiet walk. Both of us are contemplating how to tell our stories without wounding the other. When we arrive, I pour us each a glass of wine and settle onto the couch. Kathryn is the first to break the silence.

"Chakotay, I'm going to go first here. If I don't begin now, I'm not sure that I will ever be able to tell the tale. Do you remember when the Admiral first arrived on board and I wasn't quite sure if we could believe in who she was?" I nodded.

"At one point, she and I took a walk around the ship…

****


	4. Three Stories

"I want to know why you didn't tell me about this!" I demanded. 

"Because I remember how stubborn and self-righteous I used to be," replied the Admiral. "I figured you might try to do something stupid." 

_I was angry that she knew me so well._ "We have an opportunity to deal a crippling blow to the Borg. It could save millions of lives!" 

"I didn't spend the last ten years looking for a way to get this crew home earlier so you could throw it all away on some intergalactic goodwill mission!" _spat the Admiral._

_I began to realize that maybe the Admiral was me from the future; only I would be so determined about the safety of my crew._ "Maybe we should go back to Sickbay." 

"Why, so you can have me sedated?" 

"So I can have the Doctor reconfirm your identity. I refuse to believe I'll ever become as cynical as you." 

_The Admiral was no less exasperated._ "Am I the only one experiencing déjà vu here?" 

"What are you talking about?" 

"Seven years ago, you had the chance to use the Caretaker's array to get Voyager home. Instead, you destroyed it." 

_I was wounded._ "I did what I knew was right." 

"You chose to put the lives of strangers ahead of the lives of your crew. You can't make the same mistake again." 

_Having had that argument with myself over the years, I couldn't accept that._ "You got Voyager home--which means I will, too. If it takes a few more years then that's--" 

"Seven of Nine is going to die." 

_I was frozen to that spot.  _ "What?" 

"Three years from now. She'll be injured on an away mission. She'll make it back to Voyager, and die in the arms of her husband." 

"Husband?" _I knew that Seven was beginning to explore her feelings with Chakotay. I wasn't blind to the fact that she found Chakotay attractive and that they had been spending time together. I just wasn't prepared to hear the conclusion._

"Chakotay." _The Admiral was quiet, reflecting back on the past. She never quite resolved this herself, I believe._ "He'll never be the same after Seven's death--and neither will you." 

_My mind was turning in infinite directions, reeling from this news._ I surmised, "If I know what's going to happen...I can avoid it." 

"Seven isn't the only one," the Admiral says_. Oh no, not more loss. I wasn't sure if I could handle knowing about loosing more of the crew._ "Between this day, and the day I got Voyager home, I lost 22 crew members." 

"And then, of course, there's Tuvok." 

"What about him?" _She teased me about the temporal prime directive at this point._ "The hell with it!" _I needed to know it all._

_The Admiral smiled, almost smugly_, "Fine. Tuvok has a degenerative neurological condition that he hasn't told you about."

"There's a cure in the Alpha Quadrant--but if he doesn't get it in time..." she let the thought hover. "Even if you alter Voyager's route, limit your contact with alien species, you're going to lose people. But I'm offering you a chance to get _all_ of them home, safe and sound, today. Are you really going to walk away from that?" 

Later that night, after all this sank in, the Admiral came to see me again.

The Admiral is staring out the window, watching the Delta Quadrant stars stream past. It's a view that she missed, because when she was in the Delta Quadrant, her family was whole and healthy and right down the hall. 

"Aren't you a bit curious as to the whole Seven and Chakotay relationship?" she asks. _Knowing that this has been plaguing my mind as it did hers all those years ago._

I releases a small sigh and then quietly, "Yes, but I'm not sure that I want to know." 

"I think you need to know a few things, so that if the relationship proceeds, you can handle it better". _I stare into my coffee cup, trying to brace myself before hearing the rest, the awful truth, and the future._

"Chakotay and Seven are in the very early stages of their relationship right now. Seven is caught up in her first real romance outside of Unimatrix Zero, and you know how romantic Chakotay is. Well, as it progressed, they became more open about it and needless to say the crew took a little time getting used to the pairing. B'Elanna and Harry…"

_I let out an undignified snort_, "Oh, I can image that already without you painting a picture."

"The Doctor, too, is a bit heartbroken and would sulk, more than usual, for a while. Eventually they came to me to marry them. That was one of the most difficult, heart-wrenching things I ever had to do. I think it was easier facing the entire Admiralty to address charges after Voyager returned than having to officiate that particular ceremony. But, Kathryn, I kept up the Captains' front and even managed to attend the reception for an hour or two before relieving Tuvok on the Bridge." The Admiral pauses enough to get a refill on her coffee and returns to her stars and story.

"For a while they were happy, delirious, and I eventually learned to live with the thought that they were together for good. Then, little by little things changed. It was very subtle at first and then the crew began whispering, like they tend to do. I don't know what happened, neither confided in me during their rough time, and I didn't ask. Chakotay was the one to assign Seven to the away team on that fateful trip. It was a two-week mission to a planet we were passing by in order to gather supplies. He later indicated that they had both needed time away from each other to figure out if the marriage was salvageable. I didn't realize that it had gotten that strained."  She reflected.

"When the shuttle was tractored into the docking bay, life supports were not functioning. All occupants were on the verge of death, including Seven. Chakotay was in the bay and rushed to her side. There was nothing the Doctor could do to save any of them. Nothing." The Admiral's voice trailed off into almost a sob. Even now, so many years later, it was still difficult to think of, to relive. 

"I know that I indicated that Chakotay was never the same. He wasn't. But for reasons other and on top of losing his wife. He was consumed with guilt. Guilt that he sent her on the mission, guilt that they hadn't been able to work things out. Guilt that he was going to ask for a separation when she returned. It ate him up. He didn't speak to me for months, and it took years for him to open up about that burden. He never forgave himself."

_She looked over at me, noting the unshed tears in my eyes, feeling them in hers_. "I don't need to explain why I was never the same, do I?"

I shook my head, unable to verbalize the myriad of feelings and questions I had. Quietly, the Admiral placed her cup in the recycler and retired to the guest quarters she was assigned. I sat on my couch, crying for the future pain that Seven, Chakotay, the crew and even I would have to endure. Somewhere around 0300, I came to a decision.

Then, there is the visit I received from Seven the next morning…

****

"Captain, could I speak with you?"

"Of course, Seven. What is on your mind?" I gestured for Seven to sit, feeling that this was going to be an in depth discussion. Seven, of course, remained standing. 

"As you might know, the Doctor has disconnected my cortical node to allow me to feel emotions more intensely, more accurately than I could before."

I nodded, allowing her to continue. I got up from my desk and went over to the replicator for a new cup of coffee. I gestured to Seven, asking if she would like something too. Seven declined with a shake of her head.

"I am having difficulty mastering my emotions so that they do not impede on my work performance. I am in need of assistance."

"Ah, Seven, I don't know that I can fully help you. In fact, we all, at some point in our lives, have such intense emotions that they get in the way of most everything we do. At times, they take over, so much, that we must will ourselves to do the most ordinary things, even breathing."

"I do not understand. Why would you allow such things to happen?"  This elicits a small chuckle.

"It is not that we allow anything. It's that we cannot avoid the emotions if we tried sometimes." Cup in hand I settled into my normal position, looking out the viewpoint. I began again, not able to make eye contact with Seven, directing my gaze toward the stars. "When I was younger, a lieutenant, just beginning my career, my father and fiancé were killed in a shuttle accident. I was the only survivor of the crash. The amount of grief and guilt associated with that accident took over my life so much that I forgot to function as a person. Only until my sister took drastic measures to bring my attention to my lack of living was I able to overcome enough of the emotions so that I could function again.  But the feelings of loss, grief, guilt still remain to this day, just not as persistent or overwhelming as they did at the time."

"So, Captain, you are saying that with time, these emotions will become more manageable?"

"Yes, in a way. May I ask what emotions are you referring to?"

Seven hesitated. "You don't have to tell me Seven, but sometimes it does help to talk with someone."

"Captain, it is not that I do not wish to discuss them, but that I do not know how to qualify all of them. One of the primary emotions I am attempting to assimilate is fear." 

I studied her for a few moments before continuing.  "Fear, Seven? I have never known you to be fearful of many things? Perhaps you are uncertain of your future now that Earth is so close? Or perhaps meeting with real relatives is unnerving you?"

"Yes, Captain. Those are several of the situations I am uncertain about. What will happen to me when we reach Earth?" Seven began to pace, a habit she had begun showing recently. This, of course, brought a small smile to my eyes, knowing that Seven had picked this up from me.  "I know that Starfleet will want to examine me medially and debrief my knowledge gained from being part of the Collective. I am fearful of how everyone else, my relatives will react to me. I am quite certain that I will elicit much anxiety for the general populace, because I was a drone."

"But Seven, remember that you have already met with one of your relatives. Your Aunt seems to accept you as you are, doesn't she?"

"Yes, you are correct," Seven conceded.

"And also, you also represent hope to all of those who have had loved ones assimilated?"

"I do not see that, Captain," tilting her head slightly and raising an eyebrow. Something she must have picked up from Tuvok.

"You were severed from the Collective and have regained your individuality. Don't you think that a person whose family member had been assimilated would find that hopeful? This gives them reason to believe, that if, one day in the future, their relative is found to be a drone, that they too may be able to regain their individuality, their humanity?"

"I had not thought of that." 

"Are there any other emotions that you're having trouble with?" 

Seven hesitated and I could tell that this next topic was very uncomfortable for her. "Captain, the other you may not wish to discuss with me. It is...personal."

"It's about Chakotay, am I right?" Seven seemed surprised at my ease bringing up her relationship with the Commander. 

"Captain, I am uncertain as to how to proceed with the Commander, in light of the fact of the Admiral's revelations and our return to Earth. I am not certain that the Commander would feel comfortable, being with the object of so much speculation."

"Seven, that is something you must discuss with him. My mother used to tell me when I was having romantic difficulties with my boyfriends that things will work out if you're meant to be together. But I've also realized over the years that you must want things to work out, deep down and be willing to work on the relationship through the difficult periods."

"Then, Captain, why did you not follow your own advice?" she queried back to me. I was stunned at the revelation. 

"Seven, that is not something I wish to discuss." 

"Captain."  She said with a tilt of her head. Seven then turned and exited the ready room.

****


	5. A Walk and Another Story

I sat there stunned at the stories that I had just heard. Now, things were making some sense. More than they had. 

"Now, Kathryn, I have a short story for you. Mine takes place only two months ago.  But first, a question for you.  When did you first realize that Seven and I were dating?  No you don't need to answer that.  As your friend I should have told you straight away, but didn't." 

You sit there looking at your hands, as if they are more interesting in what I'm about to tell you.  "Chakotay, I was so occupied in the prospect of getting home, it took the Admiral to really make me see.  I knew that you were spending more time together.  I also knew that Seven found you to be the most eligible prospect to help her discover that portion of her humanity.  I hope that you both are happy and she is adjusting well to being on Earth" 

"Kathryn, Seven and I decided that our relationship wasn't working and parted amicably almost two months ago.   I spoke with her a few days ago and I would say that she sounded happy.  In fact she was inquiring with Tuvok concerning a trip to Vulcan.  I think that the serenity and logic of Vulcan would help her ease into being among the masses again.  She wished to speak with you, however she felt uncomfortable with making the first move.  She's afraid that you are unhappy with her."

"Oh, I must call her soon then.  I never meant to give that impression; but after our last conversation in my Ready Room, I can see where she may have got that impression.  I cannot say with all honesty that the relationship between the two of you did not affect me, but I tried to be as impartial as I could.  I guess I wasn't that good."  Kathryn began to rub the bridge of her nose, as she tended to do when stress was getting a little too much to bear.  

I suggested that we go out to the park near my apartment, to get a breath of fresh air.  All of these confessions were making the air in my living room thick with emotions.

We strolled to the park, arm in arm, in a comfortable silence.  The view from the clearing was amazing; the stars were having a show for us.  Kathryn gave out a small sigh and I patted the hand that rested in the crook of my arm.

"You miss being out there don't you?" I softly inquired.

"That is not an easy question to answer Chakotay.  Yes, I miss being on Voyager with our family, but I do not miss being out of touch with Earth and my family here.  I learned my lessons and had my hands slapped by Admiralty for it.  I miss exploring and miss meeting new species, but I also long to be a homebody.  Walking in a door after a long day with someone, even a dog, waiting for me would be nice too.  I love being amongst the stars, but only if I have what I need.  And right now what I need is my family.  All of them."

"The stars must miss you too, Kathryn, because you never looked lovelier in the starlight than you do right now."  I lifted her hand from my arm and placed a kiss on the back.

She sighed.  

"The earth atmosphere must be going to you head Chakotay" she playfully replied.  "Let's go back and have another glass of wine.  I believe you have a short story for me.

We returned to my apartment and I refilled both of our glasses.  I hoped that telling her about the letter from the Admiral would not upset her too much, but she needed to realize that I knew.  

At the end of my tale, Kathryn is silently crying, trying to turn from me in her grief.  I gently take her shoulder and turn her so that she is crying onto my shoulder.  I rock her gently trying to sooth her.

"She shouldn't have," she sobbed.  "I should have told you long ago, but I couldn't."  She continued to cry until the sobbing lessened to silent tears.

"Kathryn, I am so glad that she did. It gave me hope.  For seven years I had hoped that there might be time for us.  I knew your reasons for not forming a relationship.  It was true to who you were, although there were many times the reasons made me angry and sad.  Sad for all that we were loosing.  All the time we were loosing.  I too had envisioned our family.  Had hoped for it and discussed it with my animal guide.   Then letter came.  Two days after the breakup with Seven and although the end of that relationship saddened me, the letter gave my hope that we still might be able to find each other again.  It gave me renewed hope for us." I gathered her in my arms and let Kathryn cry. 

I now realize that things for us will out, we have time. We are home, together, and all the secrets have been revealed. By ending these stories, we are starting our beginning, together.

Kathryn started her teaching job at the Academy and was relishing in the prospect of molding a new generation of cadets.  I began, under the tutelage of Admiral Picard, cataloging and describing the new species and civilizations we had encountered.  Both Kathryn and Picard convinced me that I should also write a book on the Sky People we encountered in the Delta Quadrant and their relationship to my ancestors.

Several months after we renewed our relationship, we took a house on the beach.  We were happy spending the days telling our respective audiences of our travels and our nights reveling in our love.

I then began to notice her becoming distant, not so much physically but emotionally.  I asked the Doctor to look in on her at the Academy, to see if there might be something physically wrong with her too.  She claimed that stress from mid-term examinations were getting the better of her and that she had been missing the stars lately.

I tried not to push, letting her work things out for herself.  But a week or so after the Doctor's glowing health report, I really began to worry and decided that I would start to pry when I returned home from work.

****


	6. That Far Off Place In Your Smile

I watch you as you sit on the sand, watching the waves. It's almost dark and the sky has turned that deep shade of blue you refer to as midnight blue. It is one of your favorite colors and your favorite time of day. You said you missed this on Voyager, that the holodecks could never quite get this right. I believe you now. 

The waves are more gray than the sky and break on the shore a meter or so from your feet. Between the sky and sea, there is a thin line of pink, the last of the sun for this day. The end of the day and the beginning of night. 

A faint light from the cottage reaches out to illuminate you. Just enough light to see your hair caught by the breeze blowing in from the ocean. It's longer now, almost to your mid-back and more red and blonde than normal from exposure to the sun and sea. You look so peaceful sitting there, watching the waves. But you're not really watching the waves, or listening to the ocean, but somewhere else. A million miles away. 

You've got on that sweater of mine that you love so much. I think you wear it more than I do. And loose pants, with your toes sticking out from the hem. Your leaning on your drawn up knees and your cheek is resting on your arms. I see just your smile in the dim light. In fact your whole body is smiling. 

You are so at peace.                       

I wish I could freeze this moment in a picture to keep always. But a picture or painting wouldn't do this justice. So I'll store it in my heart, where it will never fade.

I cross the sand to reach you and see one of your hands reaching back for me. You know its me without looking. I sense you like that too, but you already know that. When I touch your hand I forget were you begin and I end.

Beginnings and Ends. 

That's our story, isn't it? Our life has been so full of them.

"Darling," you say. Pulling me down beside you, onto the sand. I realize that there is something in between our hands. And we hold it there for a few minutes, not wanting to break the connection just yet.

As the pink remnants of sun fade away, I release your hand and look at what you've placed there. It's a small pink stone, smooth and oval shaped. Perfect in symmetry, warm from your hand. You still don't look directly at me, but beyond the waves, to that far off place in your smile.

"Welcome home, Chakotay. How was your day, darling? Or should I say, Papa?" Then you turn to me, with unshed tears in your eyes. I look at you and feel the tears on my cheeks and now my whole body is smiling too. I know the meaning of the stone now and know that it will find it's way to my medicine bundle. For it's significant is so great. And I lean over and kiss you and forget again where I begin and you end.

And there, on the beach, at the end of the continent and the beginning of the sea, at the end of day and the beginning of night, we end one chapter of our lives and begin another. 

We touch again and stare at the sea together. 

All three of us.

A/N:  This story actually began its existence with this last part.  One day it just got stuck in my head and begged to be put on paper.  It really hasn't changed it at all from when I first wrote it.  I've spent the last year off and on trying to complete the beginning of the story to my satisfaction.  I never quite got the middle to work out right, but I hope it didn't turn anyone away from this.  I just love this ending, it gives me goosebumps.


End file.
